The past probably month or so, I can't seem to turn off the floodgates that I call my eyes. I've cried tears of frustration, tears of happiness, tears of hurts, tears of joy.........tears, tears, tears!! Not many see these tears, I've always been good at hiding them! :) But lately it seems that more have seen them than not! But tonight isn't about my tears!!
It's about my sweet little Jonah's tears. Ever since we've known our travel date, he has been very persistent that he's going. After we talked a little last week, we decided not to make a "Big" deal about it, b/c he expressed his desires last week.....and that's either that I stay here or he goes. I've been dropping little things like "you're going to be going to this person's house" or "while I'm gone you're going to have so much fun", etc, etc, so he didn't really think he's going with me. There's been a few behaviors because I know he's adjusting and trying to process all that's happening! Noah and Hannah seem fine with everything.....at least at the moment. Jonah is the baby, and has never been away from mom other than 2 nights, so this will be a big deal for him!
Tonight after getting everyone in bed, Jonah comes out and says I want to tell you something. He said "I'm going to follow you when you go to Ukraine." This is said fighting tears back. I told him to come here, and he ran to my arms. I said "You know I love you right?", to which he plowed his face into my chest and started crying. I told him how much I love him, and how much God loves him, and how much daddy loves him. I kept reassuring him that all would be okay. Then I talked to him about Yulia. I explained that she had no mom or dad, and needs a family to love her. I asked him if he loves her and wants her to be in our family, he shook his head yes, As I kept talking and reassuring him of everything, his face remained in my neck, with a tight grip around my neck, and crying. This went on for a good 30 minutes, while I rubbed his back. After talking to him, I just prayed, and I think that made him cry even more, so I prayed in the spirit quietly. I tried to look at him, but he's so much like me......he didn't want me to see his face.
As we sat longer and longer, I began to cry. I began to question what kind of mom I am to leave my children. I questioned what am I doing, I am completely uprooting all that we've worked so hard to make stable. I have 3 children who love me so very much, that they are willing to share me with another child to call their sister, and to call my child. They didn't realize what a sacrifice this would be....in fact, neither did I? I didn't realize the effects that all of this was going to have on ALL of us, not just Jarrod and I! Does all this mean that I regret our decision to adopt, ABSOLUTELY NOT! We simply answered God's call to James 1:27, and He completely put Yulia in our hearts! As I was crying I looked up at her picture on the shelf, and realized that it's all going to be worth it, and it's all going to be okay!
I realize that many of my thoughts were the enemy's way to distract me, to knock me off the tracks. He doesn't want us going to Ukraine, he will do whatever he can to stop us. He thought for sure we wouldn't have the money to do it all, and now it's coming in, so he's trying another strategy. You know the enemy's plan is to steal, kill and destroy. Well, not here! I'm recognizing the spiritual warfare we are in, and I'm taking my place ready for battle. I'm so thankful for all my intercessors that we have praying for us, and I know that they will continue to battle for us and with us!
I know that my children will have different ways of coping with the separation, whether it's crying, behaviors, whatever it is. I'm praying for grace and peace as they do. Every night as I lay my children down, I pray peaceful and restful sleep over them. Well, tonight I prayed for an extra abundance of peace over them, I know Jonah will miss mommy, but he has the same Holy Spirit in him as I have in me, so I asked the Holy Spirit to grant peace to his innermost parts! And I know the Father hears my prayers, and I know that He loves my children, ALL of them, even more than I do!
This afternoon, as I was battling some of the questions about what are we doing, etc, I also questioned who am I that God is sending? I'm not anyone special, just a simple girl. But the Lord told me that I am so much more than that. He created me in my mother's womb, He knew me before I was even formed, He created me fearfully and wonderfully, He sent His son to die for me, He created me in His image, no one else can love Him like I do, there is no one like me to sing praises to His name, He created me to be Yulia's mom. Wow.....how Great of a God He is to love on me this much! The words are endless when it comes to the Father's love for His children. And I am overwhelmed at His love for me, and His daily affections that He pours out on me!
We are walking this journey that God has called us to, and as my friend Rachel said......"I will count it an honor to suffer for Christ". I never thought I would have said that, and I have my weak moments where I'm not so sure I can suffer anymore. But I have an amazing Father to carry me those moments that I can't walk. And He's given me an amazing husband, Jarrod's amazing parents, and amazing friends who are battling with us! I count it an honor to have them all by our side, suffering with us on this long and hard journey. I know the end will be beautiful, for God has written our story perfectly!
The first picture is a recent one of the children and I.....being goofy! The next ones are of the children about 3 years ago that a beautiful friend, Shawna, took of our family! I know they are much bigger now, but in my eyes, they are still this small!! And last, but most definetely not least, my sweet girl that I will be holding in my arms in the very near future!!
Thankyou for sharing your journey, I think its awesome what you are doing!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda!
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