We were so excited to plan a trip to Alabama (home) before our trip to Ukraine! I feel like it was God's gift to me to say goodbye for a little bit! We have these wonderful friends, Bill and Kim Holliday, and they welcomed us into their home, "The Holliday Inn" for the weekend!! We always enjoy visits with friends and family, and this weekend is no exception!
Reasons for our visit were numerous, and as I type, we still have one more day to go! One of the reasons for the visit, and pretty much the main one, was to visit my mom. We found out a month ago that she has breast cancer. She's either in stage 3 or 4, we will know a definite on Monday after the scan. I love my mom, and am thankful she gave me life. However, we are not close at all. Because of mental illness, there has been a distance between us since I was 15 years old, maybe sooner! My children have only been around my mom only a handful of times, and honestly they don't know who she is. This is sad, right?? I've felt it's necessary to guard my children from certain things that I experienced in my childhood, and Jarrod agrees fully! So when we heard this news, I felt an urgency to spend time with her before we leave for Ukraine! Regardless of the lack of closeness, she is my mother and I love her! It so happened to work out that a few things were going on this weekend, and we had nothing pressing in Georgia, so I figured we would come visit! We arranged things with my sister to meet for a play date with the kids while us adults talked! I wanted to allow my children time with my mother and I wanted time with her! I didn't want anything to happen while we were in Ukraine, and me regret my lack of relationship and time with my mom.
When we arrived at our destination to meet, my sister pulled up.........without my mom. My mom had decided it was more pressing for her to go swimming because it could possibly be the last time before she started chemo. I got stood up, rejected for swimming. At first I was very, VERY ticked off, and said "I'm done, no more, I'm not doing this again". Then after getting that frustration under wraps, the pain of what just happened started sinking in, and it hurt, REALLY BAD! Now if you know me well, I usually do a good job at hiding my hurt (I even hide it from Jarrod), although lately I do feel like I am a ball of tears! The thought and feeling of rejection sunk it, and I questioned why God would allow this to happen. I went out on a limb, even telling my children that we would see my mom, Grandma Susan, so they had questions that I had to answer.
God so gently comforted me, as He always does, and gave me a glimpse of what our sweet girl must feel like! I'm not one to believe in coincidences, I believe in God's divine plan and intervention! I think about the timing of us coming right before our trip, and some of the things we will be dealing with while we are making an adjustment to a new child, who has been abandoned and left, and I'm sure felt rejected. Now my life hasn't been anything like her life, thank God I was always with family, but I KNOW the feelings of rejection. I think God allowed me this (yes, I just said allowed, He didn't make it happen, but He's using it to grow me more!), so that I will have a better, deeper, and fresh understanding of what our sweet Yulia is feeling or has felt. I believe that my compassion will grow greater and greater for her, b/c I have a glimpse of what she's feeling. Wow, what a hard thing to learn, yet a very needed one to remember!
A bit later we spent time with other family, aunts and uncles celebrating a birthday! I love getting together with my family! Although we have times that are completely not the best, we also have a great love and respect for each other!! Jarrod and I have sort of become the "weird ones"! We are the first ones to adopt, internationally at that, and we home school, and we attend a full gospel church, and well........we just feel different sometimes!! Because of my relationship with my mom, the Lord has given me amazing spiritual moms all throughout my life, and I'm very thankful for them!! I have two aunts that have always played that role, and then there are those moments that them and I didn't see eye to eye! I've recently had some distance with one of them, and although it has been hard, I realize once again God is teaching me something! Tonight, God brought something to mind. The one particular aunt that has pulled away has done so because she is scared for me and doesn't know how to respond, except to pull away! She's scared of me traveling to another country for weeks, knowing how "naive" I am and having to leave my babies here for so long, she's scared of what my life will entail with a teenager in the midst of my younger children. I realize that her withdrawal from me, is really an act of love, b/c she doesn't know what else to do! What a crazy and beautiful thing!
So that being said, I have very little family that is "supportive" of our adoption and our daughter. Jarrod's parents, mom and dad, have been phenomenal, and I am so appreciative of them! They ask us when their granddaughter is coming home, calling her what she is.......our daughter and their granddaughter! I have so many friends that have been at my side through this whole journey! So although I don't have blood family support, the Lord is showing me that "family" is something that isn't always blood! I consider my friends my family, b/c we are all of the heritage of the Lord, and as my children say "Christ Sisters and Brothers". My family line is much deeper than blood, for we have the blood of Jesus in our veins! How fitting for this revelation, because my daughter may not have come from my blood or my womb, but I love her just the same as my birth children! God is so good in these sweet things!!
Now before you go judging me, I have forgiven my mom! I realize that she may have been scared to see me b/c she's dealing with all the emotions of this brutal illness, and at the same time battling a mental illness. I did what the Lord urged me to do, and gave of myself! Will I be guarded, absolutely, b/c I feel the Lord gives us wisdom and discernment. But I will love her just the same, b/c she is my mother, and the woman that God chose to bring me into this life!!
Well, I hope that this will somehow minister to someone that needs it! I know that God is preparing me more and more daily for this adoption journey that we've only just begun! I'm excited, scared, anxious, joyful, nervous, grateful, and so many other things...................all at the same time! I'm honored that God called my family to this, and if I have to learn some hard and painful lessons to help me grow in my faith and love in Him, they by golly, bring it on!! Be blessed my friends!
