And the tears have began!

We knew when we started this journey that we were waging war on the devil. We knew we would be fighting a spiritual battle, for we are saving a child that the enemy thought he had in his hands. We knew we would face many emotions along the way......but did we really KNOW what we were stepping in to??

The past probably month or so, I can't seem to turn off the floodgates that I call my eyes. I've cried tears of frustration, tears of happiness, tears of hurts, tears of joy.........tears, tears, tears!! Not many see these tears, I've always been good at hiding them! :) But lately it seems that more have seen them than not! But tonight isn't about my tears!!

It's about my sweet little Jonah's tears. Ever since we've known our travel date, he has been very persistent that he's going. After we talked a little last week, we decided not to make a "Big" deal about it, b/c he expressed his desires last week.....and that's either that I stay here or he goes. I've been dropping little things like "you're going to be going to this person's house" or "while I'm gone you're going to have so much fun", etc, etc, so he didn't really think he's going with me. There's been a few behaviors because I know he's adjusting and trying to process all that's happening! Noah and Hannah seem fine with everything.....at least at the moment. Jonah is the baby, and has never been away from mom other than 2 nights, so this will be a big deal for him!

Tonight after getting everyone in bed, Jonah comes out and says I want to tell you something. He said "I'm going to follow you when you go to Ukraine." This is said fighting tears back. I told him to come here, and he ran to my arms. I said "You know I love you right?", to which he plowed his face into my chest and started crying. I told him how much I love him, and how much God loves him, and how much daddy loves him. I kept reassuring him that all would be okay. Then I talked to him about Yulia. I explained that she had no mom or dad, and needs a family to love her. I asked him if he loves her and wants her to be in our family, he shook his head yes, As I kept talking and reassuring him of everything, his face remained in my neck, with a tight grip around my neck, and crying. This went on for a good 30 minutes, while I rubbed his back. After talking to him, I just prayed, and I think that made him cry even more, so I prayed in the spirit quietly. I tried to look at him, but he's so much like me......he didn't want me to see his face.

As we sat longer and longer, I began to cry. I began to question what kind of mom I am to leave my children. I questioned what am I doing, I am completely uprooting all that we've worked so hard to make stable. I have 3 children who love me so very much, that they are willing to share me with another child to call their sister, and to call my child. They didn't realize what a sacrifice this would be....in fact, neither did I? I didn't realize the effects that all of this was going to have on ALL of us, not just Jarrod and I! Does all this mean that I regret our decision to adopt, ABSOLUTELY NOT! We simply answered God's call to James 1:27, and He completely put Yulia in our hearts! As I was crying I looked up at her picture on the shelf, and realized that it's all going to be worth it, and it's all going to be okay!

I realize that many of my thoughts were the enemy's way to distract me, to knock me off the tracks. He doesn't want us going to Ukraine, he will do whatever he can to stop us. He thought for sure we wouldn't have the money to do it all, and now it's coming in, so he's trying another strategy. You know the enemy's plan is to steal, kill and destroy. Well, not here! I'm recognizing the spiritual warfare we are in, and I'm taking my place ready for battle. I'm so thankful for all my intercessors that we have praying for us, and I know that they will continue to battle for us and with us!

I know that my children will have different ways of coping with the separation, whether it's crying, behaviors, whatever it is. I'm praying for grace and peace as they do. Every night as I lay my children down, I pray peaceful and restful sleep over them. Well, tonight I prayed for an extra abundance of peace over them, I know Jonah will miss mommy, but he has the same Holy Spirit in him as I have in me, so I asked the Holy Spirit to grant peace to his innermost parts! And I know the Father hears my prayers, and I know that He loves my children, ALL of them, even more than I do!

This afternoon, as I was battling some of the questions about what are we doing, etc, I also questioned who am I that God is sending? I'm not anyone special, just a simple girl. But the Lord told me that I am so much more than that. He created me in my mother's womb, He knew me before I was even formed, He created me fearfully and wonderfully, He sent His son to die for me, He created me in His image, no one else can love Him like I do, there is no one like me to sing praises to His name, He created me to be Yulia's mom. Wow.....how Great of a God He is to love on me this much! The words are endless when it comes to the Father's love for His children. And I am overwhelmed at His love for me, and His daily affections that He pours out on me!

We are walking this journey that God has called us to, and as my friend Rachel said......"I will count it an honor to suffer for Christ". I never thought I would have said that, and I have my weak moments where I'm not so sure I can suffer anymore. But I have an amazing Father to carry me those moments that I can't walk. And He's given me an amazing husband, Jarrod's amazing parents, and amazing friends who are battling with us! I count it an honor to have them all by our side, suffering with us on this long and hard journey. I know the end will be beautiful, for God has written our story perfectly!

The first picture is a recent one of the children and I.....being goofy! The next ones are of the children about 3 years ago that a beautiful friend, Shawna, took of our family! I know they are much bigger now, but in my eyes, they are still this small!! And last, but most definetely not least, my sweet girl that I will be holding in my arms in the very near future!!

Be blessed my friends, and as you finish this blog, please say an "extra" prayer for us tonight! I know many of you are already praying, and I'm so thankful for that!! God bless you!!

Rising above the pain.......

We were so excited to plan a trip to Alabama (home) before our trip to Ukraine! I feel like it was God's gift to me to say goodbye for a little bit! We have these wonderful friends, Bill and Kim Holliday, and they welcomed us into their home, "The Holliday Inn" for the weekend!! We always enjoy visits with friends and family, and this weekend is no exception!

Reasons for our visit were numerous, and as I type, we still have one more day to go! One of the reasons for the visit, and pretty much the main one, was to visit my mom. We found out a month ago that she has breast cancer. She's either in stage 3 or 4, we will know a definite on Monday after the scan. I love my mom, and am thankful she gave me life. However, we are not close at all. Because of mental illness, there has been a distance between us since I was 15 years old, maybe sooner! My children have only been around my mom only a handful of times, and honestly they don't know who she is. This is sad, right?? I've felt it's necessary to guard my children from certain things that I experienced in my childhood, and Jarrod agrees fully! So when we heard this news, I felt an urgency to spend time with her before we leave for Ukraine! Regardless of the lack of closeness, she is my mother and I love her! It so happened to work out that a few things were going on this weekend, and we had nothing pressing in Georgia, so I figured we would come visit! We arranged things with my sister to meet for a play date with the kids while us adults talked! I wanted to allow my children time with my mother and I wanted time with her! I didn't want anything to happen while we were in Ukraine, and me regret my lack of relationship and time with my mom.

When we arrived at our destination to meet, my sister pulled up.........without my mom. My mom had decided it was more pressing for her to go swimming because it could possibly be the last time before she started chemo. I got stood up, rejected for swimming. At first I was very, VERY ticked off, and said "I'm done, no more, I'm not doing this again". Then after getting that frustration under wraps, the pain of what just happened started sinking in, and it hurt, REALLY BAD! Now if you know me well, I usually do a good job at hiding my hurt (I even hide it from Jarrod), although lately I do feel like I am a ball of tears! The thought and feeling of rejection sunk it, and I questioned why God would allow this to happen. I went out on a limb, even telling my children that we would see my mom, Grandma Susan, so they had questions that I had to answer.

God so gently comforted me, as He always does, and gave me a glimpse of what our sweet girl must feel like! I'm not one to believe in coincidences, I believe in God's divine plan and intervention! I think about the timing of us coming right before our trip, and some of the things we will be dealing with while we are making an adjustment to a new child, who has been abandoned and left, and I'm sure felt rejected. Now my life hasn't been anything like her life, thank God I was always with family, but I KNOW the feelings of rejection. I think God allowed me this (yes, I just said allowed, He didn't make it happen, but He's using it to grow me more!), so that I will have a better, deeper, and fresh understanding of what our sweet Yulia is feeling or has felt. I believe that my compassion will grow greater and greater for her, b/c I have a glimpse of what she's feeling. Wow, what a hard thing to learn, yet a very needed one to remember!

A bit later we spent time with other family, aunts and uncles celebrating a birthday! I love getting together with my family! Although we have times that are completely not the best, we also have a great love and respect for each other!! Jarrod and I have sort of become the "weird ones"! We are the first ones to adopt, internationally at that, and we home school, and we attend a full gospel church, and well........we just feel different sometimes!! Because of my relationship with my mom, the Lord has given me amazing spiritual moms all throughout my life, and I'm very thankful for them!! I have two aunts that have always played that role, and then there are those moments that them and I didn't see eye to eye! I've recently had some distance with one of them, and although it has been hard, I realize once again God is teaching me something! Tonight, God brought something to mind. The one particular aunt that has pulled away has done so because she is scared for me and doesn't know how to respond, except to pull away! She's scared of me traveling to another country for weeks, knowing how "naive" I am and having to leave my babies here for so long, she's scared of what my life will entail with a teenager in the midst of my younger children. I realize that her withdrawal from me, is really an act of love, b/c she doesn't know what else to do! What a crazy and beautiful thing!

So that being said, I have very little family that is "supportive" of our adoption and our daughter. Jarrod's parents, mom and dad, have been phenomenal, and I am so appreciative of them! They ask us when their granddaughter is coming home, calling her what she is.......our daughter and their granddaughter! I have so many friends that have been at my side through this whole journey! So although I don't have blood family support, the Lord is showing me that "family" is something that isn't always blood! I consider my friends my family, b/c we are all of the heritage of the Lord, and as my children say "Christ Sisters and Brothers". My family line is much deeper than blood, for we have the blood of Jesus in our veins! How fitting for this revelation, because my daughter may not have come from my blood or my womb, but I love her just the same as my birth children! God is so good in these sweet things!!

Now before you go judging me, I have forgiven my mom! I realize that she may have been scared to see me b/c she's dealing with all the emotions of this brutal illness, and at the same time battling a mental illness. I did what the Lord urged me to do, and gave of myself! Will I be guarded, absolutely, b/c I feel the Lord gives us wisdom and discernment. But I will love her just the same, b/c she is my mother, and the woman that God chose to bring me into this life!!

Well, I hope that this will somehow minister to someone that needs it! I know that God is preparing me more and more daily for this adoption journey that we've only just begun! I'm excited, scared, anxious, joyful, nervous, grateful, and so many other things...................all at the same time! I'm honored that God called my family to this, and if I have to learn some hard and painful lessons to help me grow in my faith and love in Him, they by golly, bring it on!! Be blessed my friends!

Stepping out of the boat.....

We all have different journeys that our short lives take us on. God has ordained each of our steps that we need to take, and we choose whether to walk in those, or walk away from those! Either decision is not easy! Walking with God is a constant step of faith, and walking away from His perfect plan makes your life a complete hell! I can't imagine not walking with the Lord! With each step I grow more and more in my love for Him and faith in Him! Each step gets harder, but it's so worth it!

I have been thinking a lot about the task set before me, and I smile and cry at the same time! This is the HARDEST thing I've ever walked in (and it's only just begun!!). I've had different things hit me in my life that were hard, but each one seems to be a little harder! I had a short childhood, growing up much faster than others my age bc of illness and a need of me being more responsible. I left home at 18 (maybe not in the best way, but I left), and that was a bold move for me. I walked away briefly from many family members during the preparation for my wedding, bc of lack of love and encouragment. Thank God for reconciliations!! But each of those things were more difficult than the one before them, but I kept pressing on! Not saying they were all things of the Lord, but they were steps that I felt I needed to take at the time! I can't sit and regret things, b/c then I can't move forward. God has taught me from each of these things, and many other things, and I have grown in my walk with Him, and my trust in Him!!

So I feel like I have "stepped out of the boat" so to say, but never like I am now! I know that the Lord imparts faith on people, and He is constantly increasing our faith as we are seeking Him! I honestly feel like Peter right now, about to step out of the boat! Peter didn't know what He was doing, Jesus just told Him to come out to Him, and Peter walked on water! We have no clue what we are doing! We are taking steps that we never have before.

I'll be honest, I am looking down at the water and my faith is wondering how all this is going to happen! We've raised half our funds for the adoption and still have half to go. We have money that we are awaiting to arrive in our account (we know it's coming, that isn't the big faith part). Until that money arrives, we can't buy our plane tickets. We were just told that the $ won't be in our account until next Wednesday, June 27 and we have to fly out on Monday, July 2. So I am "freaking" out a bit and wondering how all this is going to work out. I'm not sure I can purchase these tickets that close to our departure, bc we are getting special humanitarian tickets. So I am crying and wondering, and not sure about anything at this moment!

In addition to this money coming in, we need about $8000 more. So far, a little has come in, but we still have a ways to go! I have no doubt that God has called us to this. I have received numerous words that He is going to do this, but my faith is wondering how?? We are 10 days away from leaving, and so far, we are still STUCK right now. Lord, help me to trust in You, dry my tears, and turn my mourning into laughter. I had a few more things on my heart to write, but the phone call mid-blogging disrupted my thoughts.

Be blessed my friends!

July 5 ~ special in more than one way!!

Good afternoon friends! I am sitting here with one sweet boy asleep beside me while the other two children play quietly in their rooms! I would love to say today has been a perfect day filled with me being a perfectly attentive mommy, but honestly I haven't been! My mind has been a thousand miles away as I have pondered some pretty awesome news this morning!! (I'll get to that in a moment!)

You know each year, there are anniversary dates for many things......maybe a marriage, a birth, a date of overcoming an obstacle, the day you found Christ, etc........and all of these are important to people in different ways!! I love celebrating our anniversary, because it's a reminder of how much God loves me! On July 5, 2003, Jarrod and I were joined as one! When we married, we said our vows for better or worse, and we meant that! I don't think when anyone makes those vows they will ever know what life will have in store for them! You never know the joy, pain, laughter, tears, hurt, frustration, love, or excitement that your lives may have laid out on the path called marriage for you! The one thing that we knew, was that our foundation had to be on Christ, and without it, our marriage would crumble. So we haven't taken lightly to our marriage and the unity that it brings us through Christ!

Each year has been celebrated differently, and some a little more fun than others! Jarrod and I enjoy the simple things, like hiking, watching a movie, or just having a nice quiet dinner together! Since we've had 3 children during the first 5 years of our marriage, those first anniversaries were celebrated really simply!! We love it regardless of how "glamourous" it may be, just the time that we get to spend together! I can honestly say that Jarrod is my best friend!!

Last year we celebrated our 8th anniversary, and it was really sweet!! Mom kept the kids so that we could get away for the weekend! Jarrod made the arrangements, and we set off for a bed and breakfast in Toccoa, GA! It was a sweet little town with a beautiful waterfall, an amazing history and a sweet quiet spirit there! It was one of the most refreshing weekends we've ever had before! We fell in love with the little town, as we fell in love with Christ and each other all over again! At that point in our lives, we were pondering adoption, just realizing that we have a calling for it! We even found a building that we claimed up there for a children's home! I am still believing the Lord for this, although it might not be one that we run!! That building will be the Lord's!! So as I look back at our lives a year ago, it brings a smile to my face to see where God has brought us from there!!

We are coming up on July quickly this year, and we knew that we would probably be in Ukraine during our anniversary time, completing our adoption! Well, we got news this morning that our appointment date is on our annivesary!! Thinking about this just brings me to tears to see just how much God's hand is on this adoption!! He loves Jarrod and I so much that He is honoring our hearts to please Him and add to our family by starting this on our anniversary! I don't know about you, but to me this is one of the most beautiful gifts that He could give to me!!

We now have so many details to work out, and things to prepare for! We are praying and BELIEVING the Lord for the remaining provision we need! He has promised us that it is coming, and we are standing on that promise! This morning, as exciting as that news was, I had my "freak out" moment! (I'm suppossed to be honest here, right?) I realize how close we are to this being final, I realize how close we are and how much we have yet to get! How is He going to do this?? My God will move mountains for me, I am convinced! And the date that is set for Ukraine to me is His promise to fulfil this! It's not up to me to figure out how He's going to do it, but rejoice that He is doing this!! A bit ago as Noah and Hannah were suppossed to be having "quiet time" I hear Hannah shouting "Jesus". I think she was just being silly, but the reality of what she was doing was like a wake up call. The childlike faith, just shouting the name of Jesus. It's that simple, all we have to do is shout His name, and all fear and things not of the Lord will depart!! So I am sitting here getting ready to shout at the top of my lungs! (of course I want Jonah to get his nap out first, lol!!)

I am so honored that God has chosen me for this journey, yet feel so unworthy and ill prepared! He is growing me so much during it, and I don't just mean growing my family! My faith is being stretched to a new level, and it's the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced! My patience is growing, as well as my letting things go that I can't control! My children are growing, in realizing just how much more love they have in their hearts! There are so many other things the Lord is doing, preparing us for all life has for us! I realize that I am a very positive person, and I look at the good things, not wanting to see the bad! I believe this is a gift, and I'm learning that no matter how "bad" things are, God is the answer, and He will guide me in the way He has for me! I know there are realities that go along with adoption, and I will embrace those and work through those as we encouter those, but I know ultimately who has the answer for these things that may come up!!

So, Happy Anniversary to us! This will definetely be a year that we will NEVER forget!! Tomorrow will be an exciting day as well! We get to talk to our sweet girl once or twice a week on the phone, but tomorrow we will be able to skype her and actually see her! We haven't seen her since she left in January, so this will be awesome! She is so excited as are we!! Thank you for sharing in our lives and our journey, and please continue to pray that God's hand will be on us every step of the way!!

Psalm 23

Good afternoon everyone! I am sitting here, having only slept about 4 hours last night and I keep having to correct my mispellings, lol!! I need to be napping, but having small children that don't want to nap, sort of prevents that from happening!! I've had some nice rest, but need a good night's rest! I think it's just all the emotions, excitement, whatever you want to call it, that is coming up now that we are almost ready to head to Ukraine! It's pretty much like I am in labor, preparing for a new child to come into our lives!!

I feel like on the outside I have it all together!! Everyone thinks I am this strong woman, that can handle anything that life can throw at me! I have it all together on the outside. But on the inside it's a different story. I feel like a hurricane of emotions, some of which I know aren't from the Lord. So I am being honest here!! I am feeling excited, love, worry, fear of the unknown, fear of lack of provision, not knowing how any of this is going to happy. I have a precious young girl waiting on us that I don't want to let down! Like I said, I know these things aren't of the Lord, and I know we have to take our thoughts captive. I'll admit, some days I don't want to! Some days I want to wallow in all these things, and almost in self pity! I am slowly realizing that continuing to recite the word is the way to overcome these thoughts and emotions!! So I will be a conquerer here!!

The other night I received the book I ordered "The Whole Life Adoption Book", which I am very excited about diving in to! I've heard great things about it! Before starting, the Lord had me sit down and read Scripture! Again, confession, I don't read my Bible as much as I should! I know "gasp", this should be a number one priority and I'm working on getting up early to have my time in the Word! But the Lord told me to read Psalm 23, which is one that almost everyone (even unbelievers) have heard and possibly have memorized! So I picked up one of Jarrod's Bibles, which is a New Century Version. Here's how Psalm 23 reads:

"The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in green pastures.
He leads me to calm water.
He gives me new strength.
He leads me on paths that are right for the good of His name.
Even if I walk through a dark valley,
I will not be afraid,
because you are with me.
Your rod and your walking stick comfort me.
You prepare a meal for me in front of my enemies.
You pour oil on my head;
you fill my cup to overflowing.
Surely your goodness and love will be with me all my life;
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

How beautiful are those verses!! Here is what the Lord revealed to me.......a shepherd looks over His sheep, protecting them, feeding them, providing all they need, b/c the sheep are helpless. This is how the Lord is with us, and He gives us everything we need. He knows the rest I am missing right now and needing, so He is letting me rest, and leading me to calm waters. Going on inside of me feels like a storm, a hurricane to be more exact, and He is leading me to calm waters. Because of my lack of sleep, I don't have a lot of energy, but He is giving me a new strength, and it will come in a way that doesn't even make any sense to the world! He has us on a path that will lead to complete glory for His Kingdom, so I know this is the right path, b/c it will be good for His name!! Anytime you do something unknown or unfamiliar to you, you are walking down a dark valley. We are walking down this valley, but we walk by faith and not by sight, so we will not fear. He is our protector, so nothing can harm us. He is preparing a meal for us in front of our enemies, b/c the enemy sure wanted our girl for the kingdom of darkness, but he will not prevail. Our heads are annointed for adoption and orphans and widows, therefore He has poured oil over our heads!! My cup is overflowing, now this is a good one! It's been spoken over us 3 times that not only is the Lord supplying all we need, but there will be an abundance and we need to pray about what to do with the abundance! So I believe this will be our cup, it will be overflowing!! How awesome is this!! Surely His goodness and love will be with us all the days of our lives!!

This was such a sweet kiss from the Lord when He spoke to my heart on this chapter! It is one of my new favorites, and although it is read at almost every funeral, I consider it a chapter of life! There is so much freedom in it! So I am declaring that in my mind the enemy has no place, therefore fear, worry, anxiety and all the other yucky emotions have NO place here! I know that there will be more tears, and that the unknown maybe a little well unknown, but I know who my Shepherd is!!

Thanks for letting me share a bit more of my heart! Be blessed my friends and rest in Christ's love for you!! Go and meditate on Psalm 23, it's a beautiful one!!