So.....I have this really bad habit of staying up late!! I enjoy it, b/c it's my "me time" to do whatever I please.....whether it's reading, watching tv, or at the computer! Last night I decided to go to bed at a decent time for me, but as I lay there, I couldn't go to sleep! So I decided to read more of my book that I have been consumed with!! "Redeeming love", I highly recommend it. Anways, I sat in my closet floor reading as not to disturb Jarrod, and I lost complete track of time! Jonah came in a little later and I rocked him back to sleep then took him to the couch and realized it was 1:45am. Wow, it's been a while since I've been up that late!!
A few minutes later I hear sniffling, so I listened real carefully. It was Hannah! Now if you know Hannah, she is a very "spirited" child as I guess I'll put it! She can have a bit of drama, but she has such a good and compassionate heart! I go in to check on her and ask her what's wrong....she sits straight up in the bed, reaches for me and cries "I miss Julia". This wasn't just the little tears that children sometimes cry, she was really crying for her sister. This brought me to tears, and still does even as I am typing this. I held her for a bit and prayed and reassured her that Julia would be home with us soon!
After a few minutes, I moved her to the other couch so she could go back to sleep and be closer to us! So Jonah was on one couch, and Hannah on the other! I sat at the end of Jonah's couch and prayed as they drifted back off to dreamland!
Then the waterworks started! I realized that in a few short weeks that I will have to leave these precious blessings here while we go and pick up our other blessing! We will be gone from them for about 5 weeks total, and this will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I cried out to God about it, vented I guess, explained my not understanding why we had to leave them here, not wanting to leave them here, yet ready to go running to Ukraine! And then the revelations began!!
Those five weeks are nothing compared to the years that Julia has had to spend in the orphanage without a family, without a mom and dad. My heart started to cry out for Julia too. This poor child, so full of life, so full of joy, and so full of love. So much to give, yet not a family to give it to! Needing so much, yet only having friends and orphanage workers to get it from. Don't get me wrong, we are appreciative that the Lord has placed her in good hands, but she's destined for a family! I can handle a few weeks away from my precious babies in order to bring Julia home to her forever family! I can sacrifice a "little" for a bigger purpose. (I am still crying at this revelation).
Another sweet thing the Lord whispered was "remember when I sent Jesus to earth". Oh Lord, how could I forget? He sent Jesus into this world, just to be brutally beaten and die on a cross so that I can live forever in Heaven with Him. He was away from Jesus for about 33 years, so my few "little weeks" are nothing. I can never know what the feelings were, that God could love me so much that He would send His son to die for me. Those thoughts are so overwhelming of love for me, and for everyone! Such a beautiful picture of redemption.
While we are nothing compared to Christ, the Father showed me some similiarites in our adoption process. We are adopting Julia into our family, just as Christ adopted us into His! We are saving her from a life the enemy had destined for her, and Christ saved us from the pits of hell and what the enemy destined us for! We are having to sacrifice so much, just as Christ sacrificed. We haven't sacrificed anything NEAR what Christ did. In this whole journey, we are learning a bit more of the Father's heart, and understand it better b/c of the humility and trust we are having to place in Him. We are walking a Faith journey unlike any other we've traveled. It's not easy, but I'm not giving up!! Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you' announces the Lord. 'I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come." Who am I to argue with this??
Another part of the revelation came next. I am being COMPLETELY transparent here, and I hope that you don't judge me. I have been so consumed with the adoption lately, and just life in general that I haven't been enjoying my children like I should! I don't always look at them as blessings. I've been asking the Lord to help me here, but I a lot of times I would just dismiss it as PMS or maybe just a bad day. But I have really been struggling with it lately, and I couldn't seem to "shake" it. I adore my children more than anything, but I also felt they were burdens sometimes.
As I was crying out last night, I asked the Lord again to help me. I am going to be leaving soon for a few weeks, and I want to enjoy the best of every moment. Then the Lord revealed that I hadn't repented for my actions and thoughts towards them. So the flood gates opened even more! I repented to Him and asked Him to give me a love for them that a mother should have, to give me a love like the love He has for me. I went to each of my children and touched their head, prayed for them and me and kissed each of them. I always hate to touch them while they are sleeping, b/c I do not want to disturb them, but last night, they didn't flinch at all. It was completely God!!
I told the Lord that I want to have an unconditional love for the children! Somtimes when I get frustrated with them, I would let it sit and fester, and not let go like I should. The Lord took me to 1 Corithians 13:4-8 "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up. Love never fails." This is the love that I want to have for my children, for my husband, for EVERYONE!! The Lord has brought a new light and love into my heart!!
After staying up and praying for a while, I decided to go to bed. I lay there amazed at all He had shown me, and at this new love and joy I felt towards my children. Now please don't misunderstand me, I've always loved my children, now I've just learned a whole new appreciation for them!!
This morning, we had to arise a little earlier than normal so I could do chapel at our church school! We were rushed, b/c after staying up so late, I didn't want to get out of bed, lol!! It was such a pleasant morning, and the kids and I got going!! While I am listening to them "not rest" hahaha, I am smiling thinking about how much I love them! I talked with them a bit about being sorry that I sometimes get so aggravated! They forgave me, as children are so faithful to do!! And we are having such a great day, even in the "harder" times of the day!!
As I close this, I am amazed at how much God loves me! He has given me the most wonderful husband a gal could ask for!! I am blessed beyond what I really deserve! He has allowed me to birth 3 beautiful and healthy children, all who love Him and praise His name!! And He is blessing me with another beautiful daughter that I am overwhelmed with joy that He chose me as her mom!! I am just overflowing with love and appreciation for having such an amazing Father!!
Today is our special Julia's birthday!! She turns 14! I really wish we were there, or she was here with us, but soon!! We celebrate her though, and she knows how much we love her, and we know she loves us!! It's touches my heart everytime she says "I love you"!! It's a love only the Lord could make happen!!
Be blessed my friends, and I hope that the Lord will speak to you through some of my words!! God bless!!
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