Saturday night we went to a small group "Two or More Gathering". We have never been and it's led by a beautiful woman, Margie Doolittle, that we have known for a few year. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and had spent more time with Margie when we lived with her, and really learned from her. Her heart from the Lord and hearing Him and ministering to others.....it really blows me away. A lot of things I see that mean so much to her, really mean so much to me, so it's awesome that God has allowed our paths to cross again!! God sure does know what He is doing.
Okay, off my bunny trail and onto the story, lol!! We did a little swimming and eating and fellowshiping, then down to business. Worship, scriptures and words from the Lord. Can I just say that I was tremendously blessed. I have been needing some refreshing and have been getting tid bits here and there, but I was really blessed this night. I felt the Lord's prescense in a way that I have missed, made some new friendships that I'm excited about, and look forward to the next meeting. When they have someone new come, they like to pray over them and see if the Lord gives them a word. I (almost always, yeah pretty much always!) cry when someone gives me a word, b/c I know that it's God speaking something special to me! I was good when Margie gave me a word and when Julie prayed over me with homeschooling, but when Becky spoke the word the Lord gave her to me, I just cried. The word had to do with the Lord being pleased with me and how good of a mom I am and how well Jarrod and I flowed together with our parenting, etc! Okay, can you see why the tears are there, still!! (and now my memory is coming back to me abour earlier and my head writing, lol) Jarrod had a great word given over him too and we both left feeling an edifying of the body and just completely refreshed!! My boys felt so at peace there that they fell asleep!!
As we were driving home I was sharing with Jarrod about crying, and something dawned on me that I've never admitted to him. I don't feel like a "good mom". I'm sure we all have these feelings at some point or another, but this is something that constantly weighs on me. See, I didn't have the most consistent example of being a mom as a child, so I really don't know how to be. (I'm not knocking my mom, as I learned in a healing class, she did the best she could with what she knew, physically and spiritually.) I have this "fear" that if my children don't act perfect or misbehave or aren't quietly sitting, listening to every word spoken that it will be a reflection on me and that I don't know how to parent. I forget that they are CHILDREN, and 6, 4, and 3 years old at that. I realized that I am entirely too hard on myself as a mom and wife, and too hard on them and letting them be children. WOW, what a relief to get that out! I know that I'm a good mom, but all too often, I forget! Now that I've admitted it, God can start the healing, woohoo!!
Now that is out, I can move onto other things.....my need for perfection! I have in my head that this is how my day should look: kids get up around 8:30, play nicely without any arguements, have a nice lunch quietly at the table talking about a few fun things, take a nice 2 hour nap (being layed down without needing anything else or calling my name 1000 times before falling asleep), then waking up, playing nicely together, maybe watch a little tv, without arguing when I turn it off, while mommy prepares a 3 course dinner for our family and we have a nice sit down dinner with pleasant conversation, followed by bath time, book time, prayers and worship, then bed, without any reluctancy. CRAZY, huh? I've this all in my head for a while, so I feel like quite a failure when this doesn't happen, lol!! Which it NEVER happens for those of you wondering!!
So again, now that it is out I can work on it! No, my house is not perfect, nowhere near perfect actually. As I look around I see numerous toys laying around that I wonder if they were even played with or just chunked out here by Jonah! Yesterday morning I woke up to a chair fort, all my dinning room chairs covered with numerous blankets, and guess who can fold blankets, that would be me and Jarrod, no children!! I 'm learning to "get over" the disarray of my house, b/c you know what? Every day my family works on a 10 minute tidy together, getting the house back in order!! It's a beautiful thing to see teamwork! I'm having to learn that it's okay if they only play with a toy a minute and then move onto other things, it will get cleaned up! I do try to teach them to put it up once they are done playing with it, but that usually doesn't happen, even I'm not always that way!!
So God has exposed some new things in my life that I need to work on, and I'm excited about learning to walk in His ways. You know where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom, and I'm looking forward to learning how to walk in that!! Looking forward to what God has in store as He is transitioning us in our lives right now!!
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