Digging in the past.......

So, beginning this adoption process has been, for the most part, an easy thing! There have been mounds of paperwork, lol!! But we are moving right along, which brings so much joy to our entire family, b/c that means we are one step closer to bringing our daughter home!!

I have to admit, the homestudy, while mostly easy, has some pretty tough things in it! Like these wonderful things called self studies. We have to answer questions about ourselves, like.....what kind of mom are you or would you be.....describe yourself.....what's your role in your home......there was a total of 8 pages of these kinds of questions......which equals NOT EASY! You don't want to pump yourself up to sound like a saint, b/c we all know that no one is......but you don't want to sound like a horrible mom! You have to find that perfect balance! Thank goodness for a WONDERFUL social worker, who interviewed us prior to these, but in simpler form, so we were somewhat prepared for our essay of self studies!!

Then there was the interview about childhood......hmmmm, can we say a little dysfunctional? As I told her a few things, she just sat back. I said, let me tell you my story, then you go from there and type what you need! I told her that I was sorry that I had such a crazy life story, but she said I wasn't alone, that she's had plenty of others with a dysfunctional childhood! Some may know, life wasn't perfect as a child, but then again, who's childhood is perfect!! I'm praying that my children will experience a more stable childhood, and at this point, they have! My children have a mother and father who love them with all their heart and soul! We've dedicated them to the Lord, for they are His, and we've only been allowed a certain amount of time to train them!

Now, I'll go back and say that I was conceived out of wedlock, when my parents were fresh out of high school! I was an uh-oh baby to them, but I was not to my GOD. Some wanted my mom to abort me, one of which was my father (some think I should harbor anger at this, but I have forgiven him just as the Bible instructs us to). My mom chose life, for which I am so grateful for! When I was about 3 or 4 months old, my parents divorced. My mom remarried when I was 4, and my stepdad adopted me. My brother and sister were born a few years later, and life for all of us changed drastically.

With many different sicknesses and diseases, my mom was in and out of the hospital for about the first 8 or 9 years of my brother and sister's lives. So therefore, I stepped up many times to playing the mom role. I ended up leaving home at 18, and it wasn't a good leaving, but I left. I'm now 32, and all I can say is I am thankful that I am not who I was.

I was the good girl, the one that many wanted as their own daughter. The Lord graciously gave me a few spiritual moms, who helped me along life's journey. I also realize I was a major people pleaser.....God's still helping heal me from this!! There's so many things I could say, but I'll just say this.....my childhood wasn't perfect, but I am who I am b/c of many of the things from it. I know what dysfunctional looks like, therefore, I know how to keep my family from it (or at least the things I saw).....I know what divorce looks like and a marriage not unified, therefore I work even harder on my marriage, b/c I know things to keep from........I know how control and manipulation can make a child feel, therefore I will not be this way towards my children.......I know what emotional abuse feels like, therefore I will not abuse my children.

I recently went through an inner healing class and one of the things that we learned is that our parents did the best they could with what they knew.....based on what their parents had taught them. I don't fault anyone, I don't blame anyone. I'm not saying things were easy, in fact, at times they were very hard. The Lord has been so gracious to let me forget many, many things......and if you ask me for specifics, there are very few that I could probably name for you! But I also have realized lately that there is family from my past that harbors much anger and unforgiveness towards me.....and it hurts. Recently I have had many personal attacks in a public forum from a family member that should love me. This is a hard one to swallow, when this person really doesn't know me.....or the person that I am today. They hold on to the past, and can't seem to let it go. I've kinda had it though....so today I emailed (because they cleared stated they didn't want to talk with me) an apology. I have done everything the Father has instructed me to, now it's up to them whether they will harbor bitterness, anger and unforgiveness. I'll be honest.....I not real sure what I am asking forgiveness for other than general hurting of feelings.....but I felt like the Lord said do this. I want to be able to stand before the Father in the end and say that I have done all I can to be found blameless.

I'm not perfect now, and have never been! I'm thankful that the Lord is moving me along in my walk with Him. And just when things start moving forward, the enemy is there to slap me in the face with something else to drag me back. I will not listen to the lies of the enemy that says I am a horrible person. I know that I am a child of the most High King, and I will walk victoriously!

So all this preparing for adoption is bringing up many more things other than the current things. I do believe that God is allowing this to help me to heal and move past the past! I believe that He is showing me things that are still in my heart.....some good and some (honestly) not so good! I have a choice....I can shelve it, like I seem to have done for the past 14 years, or I can face it head on with the Lord and His Word. His Word says that I am new creation in Him, that the enemy has no place over me, and so many, many other things! I'm excited to bring this out, so that I never have to visit this hurt, frustration, anger, pain, belittling again!

I just needed to unload a bit....my heart was hurt today, but I have a wonderful healer named Jesus that is mending it as I write, He is refreshing my heart, and reminding me that I am created in Him. I am His daughter and I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I can also do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!! So who am I to argue with Him.....God created me after all!! I fall, have many times, and will many more times......but He picks me up and I keep trucking!! I boast in my weakness, b/c I am nothing without Christ!

I pray for anyone that is reading this that you will ask God to search your heart....and reveal any hurt, anger, unforgiveness, or unworthiness that you may feel......and that you will release that to Him, and allow Him to heal you....and in turn heal any hurt relationships that you may have in your life. In Jesus name.

Here is another picture of our beautiful family! I realized that my blog is about 5 faithful Thorpes.....I might need to change the title.....or keep it up, b/c one day I believe that we will have 5 children or more!! For now it's 4, and that makes my heart jump for joy! One more tidbit.....our sweet girl has been sick and in the hospital. I sat our children down last night and talked with them about it, and how we really need to pray for her......this is their sister and our daughter, just like they are our children. They all individually prayed for her, and it was so genuine and loving, and it blessed me so much more than I can fully put in to words. They already see her as their sister and love her as such.....they are all ready for her to come home, and so are we! Good night!